Monthly Archives: April 2013

Dear inmates,

Okay. I know this post makes me a terrible person, I know it will offend people, and I KNOW I’m gonna get shit for it. Either way, here it is.

I have a game for you… This game is absolutely awful, but it is strangely addicting. It has amused a few of my friends and I for more time than I would like to admit. Here’s how you play:

1. Find a prisoner pen pal site. My personal favorite is WriteAPrisoner.com.
2. Read an inmates profile, check out their pictures, look at their “About So and So”, and definitely read their incarceration information.
3. Here’s the fun part. Guess what their crime is. Try to figure out what they’re in for. I know this is awful to do… But admit it. You’re kind if curious after reading all about them.
4. There should be a ‘See Crime’ link under their incarceration info. Now you get to see how far off you were. And trust me, you’ll be surprised. This is a true test of racism right here. My friends get really into it and bet on different crimes, even.
5. There are TONS if profiles, so I promise this game won’t get boring. You can just keep browsing and guessing and playing and being an awful person with me.

You’re welcome for bringing this wonderful pastime into your life.
Have fun,
Fiona

PS, For those of you hating on me right now, come on. It crossed your mind to try it. Don’t even deny being curious.

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Dear that’s what she said jokes,

I will ALWAYS laugh at a good that’s what she said joke. But no matter how perverted your mind is, you have to admit that the line is getting tired. IT IS A CLASSIC. But sometimes you just wanna hit the guy that says it.

Well.

I have put a new (terribly obnoxious) twist on this joke. My mother officially hates it, but it makes me giggle, so I am here to share it with you: I say it to things that make absolutely NO SENSE. You’re probably thinking, “That’s not funny at all.” And you’re right… at first.

It all started on a family vacation when I had a few drinks and was raring to drop the infamous line. So I might’ve jumped the gun a little bit… but it cracked my younger brother up. And I guess it’s become a thing now. Make sure you’re in the right audience before you do it though, because some people will think you’re an idiot because it really WASN’T what she said. But once you’ve figured it out? It’s weirdly amusing. And the less sense it makes, the funnier it is.

Maybe that’s just me…

So when my mom tells me to set the table? Or get the hell out of bed and come downstairs to help clean? Or says to my dad, “Hey Tony, can you open this jar?” DROP THE TWSS BOMB (TWSS didn’t work like it does with F bomb…). You’d be surprised.

Go ahead and write it off, but you can’t knock it til you try it. I know I’m weird, but it might make you laugh. And laughing is good.

Love,

Fiona

PS, That’s what she said.

Dear boys,

I have a question. When girls fall asleep on you like, watching tv or a movie or something, is it: A) Cute. That means she’s comfortable enough to pass out on your shoulder and you love cuddling. B) Rude. Bitch, we were watching a movie and you couldn’t even stay awake?! C) Awkward. Now your arm is asleep, the show’s over, and you can’t move. Or D) Some strange combination of all of these feelings. I’m curious!

Love,

Fiona

PS, I won’t lie, I can’t help falling asleep almost every time I sit down to cuddle and watch something. My bad.

Dear crush,

Okay. I would like to pose a question to you. How do you know you like someone? Hell, how do you know you love someone? Is it gradual? Does it hit you all at once? I’m not asking for advice… I’m asking because I want to know what you think. What happens to you? Do you get butterflies? Or do you just sweat a lot… I mean, it happens.

I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. I broke up with my boyfriend (I’m not gonna shit talk, it’s a completely different story, he’s insane), and I’ve been trying to get out there and hang out and be actually friendly/social. Mostly to dudes (OKAY. I am a flirt. I know it. But I don’t MEAN to be! I’m just friendly and I get along better with guys than girls)… and there’s this one guy, and he’s super cool. And I’m not about to DO anything about it, but I can’t help but think, “What if?”

So the question is, how do you know? At what point do you decide, “This is right.”?! To make this post a little more interested, I decided to Google the question, “How do you know if you like someone” and here’s the advice that I found:

  • Consider why you’re friends. That makes sense to me. If you only became friends with someone ’cause you felt bad for them, chances are you don’t like them.
  • Think about how you feel when you’re with them. Are you loved? Comfortable? Happy? Laughing? Fighting? Sad? Stressed? Shy? All of the above?!
  • Give yourself space. I love this one, no matter how hard it may be… when something you’re used to leaves your life, you really know how you felt about it. Whether it’s their goofy laugh or texting them each morning. It matters!
  • Be around other people! If all you see is just one person, of course you’re gonna get used to that. But if you hang out with loads of people and still can’t get that one person off your mind, that’s probably a sign.
  • Do stuff with them! Sure, a first few dates to the movies or whatever are nice to get to know someone, but I personally think being able to sit home and watch movies can make or break a relationship. Hell, washing the dishes together is a serious way to know if what you’re feeling is for real.
  • How often is this person on your mind? And are they the only one in it? If you’re doing something, and the smallest thing makes you go, “You know who would love this?” I would take that as a yes, you like them!
  • This one makes me smile: think about how often you laugh at their jokes. The website I’m on actually says, “When you like someone, you will find yourself laughing at things even if they aren’t that funny.” It’s true! And you know what else? When those things stop being funny, you should probably go back over this list…
  • BUTTERFLIES. Do you get them? Do you blush? Does your head reel? Does your heart race? Can’t concentrate? Are you nervous? Giddy? Smiling?
  • How closely do you listen? And how much do you remember? If someone has all of your attention, that’s generally a good thing. And it’s even better when you actually take to heart what they’re saying.

So that’s some pretty good stuff to think about… There’s a ton more stuff I could list, but a lot of it is personal. I laugh at your lame jokes, and I smile every time I get a text from you. You’re probably the only person in the world I try so hard to look pretty for when we SnapChat… I love the way you say good morning and immediately ask me how my cat and I are. I’m glad you appreciate what I do with my life, and I am EXTRA glad you don’t think my musical career is a waste of time. Almost every time I’m on Facebook, I somehow end up on your wall, or laughing at something you posted that showed up on my feed. I think you might possibly be the most handsome guy in the world, and I don’t care if anyone else agrees. I feel like I could be a complete idiot around you, and it’s okay with me! And you know what’s really important to me? You accept me and all of my creepiness. From how we met to somehow deciding we were getting married. If anyone else said ‘Goodnight creepy Fiona’ every night, I’d punch them in the mouth. All of these little things… All the stuff I can’t help thinking about, because you are what’s on my mind 98% of the time. Does that mean I like you?

I don’t know if I’m hesitant because I know I rush into things, that I ruin relationships, and I almost always end breaking hearts? Or if I’m just worried because you’re not my typical teenage angst filled crazy future frat boy that cries too much? I might be holding back because I KNOW I am not good enough for you. And even when you argue, I still know it. But just because we’re not right together doesn’t stop me from feeling what I feel. Especially lately. All those stupid love songs that say stuff like, “You’ve got me going crazy” or “I’m losing my mind because of you”? IT’S GROSSLY TRUE. Man. I can’t even complain either. Because when things go wrong (which is a lot), you’re the one that makes me smile. So thanks. Even if I have no idea what I’m doing with my life.

Okay. Well. This post was surprisingly eye opening… I hope you get a kick out of it, and I’m serious! I want to know how you know! Are you married or in a long term relationship? Are you setting a record for time spent single? I know you’ve got something to say, so comment, and let’s chat!

Love,

Fiona

PS, This blog is amazingly well written, and it came up in my Google search, so I really wanted to share it. Check it out!

PPS, Sooo… I think I like you. Sorry.

Tonight

It’s like pure evil is taking over me,
I’m doing things I shouldn’t be.
I wanna get in trouble, I wanna pick a fight,
But I’ll okay, yeah, I’ll be alright.

I wanna be wrong, I don’t want to be right.
Be strong, ’cause I’m breaking your heart tonight.

Now you know how I work, and this wasn’t the plan,
But you won’t let it go so I will do it again.
If you’re looking for love, you’ll find it with me,
But after you’ve fallen, you know I’ll just leave.

It’s a habit I cannot break.
So you should probably stay away.
Broken heart, you’re starting to fall,
And I can’t help it, gonna take it all.

I wanna be wrong, I don’t want to be right.
Be strong, ’cause I’m breaking your heart tonight.

I can’t, I can’t do this. I can’t help myself.
You open your heart and I’ll put you through hell.
I’m just not the kind of person you want in your life.
All I’ll do is break your heart… tonight.

I wanna be wrong, I don’t want to be right.
Be strong, ’cause I’m breaking your heart tonight.
Tonight, tonight.

Dear New York City,

It’s been a lot longer between posts than I planned, and for that I apologize. I was in New York City for a few days, for a family vacation. My sister moved there right after the New Year and this was our first visit. My mom has never been to the city before, and it was so cute to see how excited she was when we saw the skyline. I don’t know how it worked out, but somehow the directions my dad printed took us through Times Square. I don’t think my dad was a big fan of driving in that, but it was kind of cool to come through the Lincoln Tunnel and see all of those crazy buildings.

My sister lives in Astoria (a neighborhood in Queens), so we parked by her apartment and took the subway to the Queens Center Mall where she works. Which isnt some super fancy NYC mall, but I’ve never bee in a mall with more than 2 stories… Which sounds lame now that I think of it… Anyways, there was this silly little photo booth, and my whole family went in and we took pictures. And we all laughed and got along! Here they are:

Modeling

^Us being models

Underwater

^Us underwater

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^A surprisingly nice family picture

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^Us being zombies

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^Us freezing.

The next two days we spent in Manhattan, doing all kinds of tourist-y sightseeing. We went in the Disney store, Toys R Us, the M&M store and Hershey store. All the lame fun stuff. We were on a really tight budget so we didn’t get to do stuff like go in the Empire State Building or any actual tours. But I had just as much fun walking around with my family. There was a Harry Potter exhibit in Times Square, and I literally almost passed out with excitement. We couldn’t afford to actually go in, but my dad had the genius idea of checking out the gift shop. SO WE DID. And holy shit… for such a Potter nerd, I was in heaven. My mom legit thought I was going to pee my pants. I got a Gryffindor shirt (represent!) and my parents got me a Sirius Black wanted poster (that I can’t have until my birthday next month, but I am not going to complain).

On Friday before we left, we stopped at a museum down the street from my sister’s place. Kaufman Astoria Studios (where Sesame Street is recorded). There’s a museum attached to it called The Museum of the Moving Image. We thought we’d get to kinda tour the studio and see where things were taped, but it was really just a museum. There was stuff about music videos and all the different kinds of cameras and recording equipment. It ended up being pretty cool. There was one section that was interactive. There were tables where you could make your own stop animation video. We had fun with that for a while. Then there was this thing, where you could record a 5 second clip of yourself, and have it turned into a flip book for $10. We got one of my little brother doing the goofiest dance in the world. It is now our official coffee table book. Our favorite part was this little room, where you could dub your own voice into clips from movies. The screen would count down, then you would say the line with the character. Afterwards, it would play it back with your voice in it instead. My siblings and I used weird voices and made three clips. I recorded the screen on my phone, so maybe I’ll post those later… We were all crying with laughter. It was really fun.

I miss my sister so much, and even when I want to kill her, it’s hard having her live so far away. I’m really glad we got the chance to visit. I had a blast, and I can’t wait to do it again. I know, I’m actually looking forward to a family vacation. What has come over me?!

‘Til next time,

Fiona

PS, here are a few more random pictures from the trip.

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^Our view driving in to the city!

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^On our way!

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^The Lincoln Tunnel

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^Mommy and I!

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^A touch screen vending machine… NYC is so fancy.

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^Bubble tea ❤

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^Trump Tower!

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^At the Museum of the Moving Image

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Dear Fannie Mae,

Our faithful dog of 14 years was put to sleep yesterday. My girl, Fannie Mae… It was so much harder than I thought it would be. And even now, sometimes it just hits me. She was there for my entire childhood. She was our pet since I was 7, and since my younger brother was 4. I barely remember a time without her. Rightly, this blog is dedicated to her. So get ready for tales of woe and stories of love and adorable Bassett puppy-ness.

We got Fannie Mae for Christmas. And none of us expected it at all… My parents gave us birth announcements with a picture of her. And I’m pretty sure all of us were confused. The night before, my grandma kept the dog at her house so it really was a surprise. When they brought her in, she just sat all nice and calm in her little Christmas box. It was perfect.

After we got used to her, we realized she could kind of a little bit be the dog from hell. Anytime anyone left through the front door, she tore off down the street. And for a short, long, awkward dog, she was FAST. I remember my mom getting so frustrated she would yell, “Just let her go!” but of course we never did. She used to sneak upstairs (she wasn’t allowed up there and we had baby gates in our halls and blocking stairs), and not only poop and pee to “mark her territory,” but she got into EVERYTHING. She ate my sister’s senior ball corsage she had been saving (my sister was so mad), and knocked over BOTH my sister’s and my dressers. She was a foot tall! I have no idea how in the world she managed to pull full size dressers over… Another amazing feat for a short dog: my brother came out of our downstairs powder room to find her standing in the middle of our dining room table. It is still a mystery as to how she got up there. One Easter, we all kept our Easter baskets on the buffet we had in our dining room, and Fannie worked her way up there, pulled down an Easter basket, and ate the ENTIRE CHOCOLATE RABBIT. With that whole, chocolate being bad for dogs thing, we called the vet. They told us, “If she looks any more depressed than usual, call us.” but uhh, she’s a Bassett hound. They always look sad… Anyways, she threw the whole thing up, and it was the worst, slimiest chocolate vomit in the world. That’s my girl! One time, my best friend from high school and I decided it would be a good idea to take Fannie for a walk (until the last few years, Fannie was very overweight and VERY unathletic). It was a terrible idea. She got dehydrated and halfway around the block, she got the grossest diarrhea and she just, lay down in the middle of the road. I had to call my mom to come save us. Looking back now it’s cute, but at the time, not so much.

When Fannie wasn’t ruining our lives, she really made every day brighter. When my brother and I were younger (and Fannie was younger too!), we trained her to do a “circus act.” She would climb up this little red slide we had, go down it, climb over our PlaySkool picnic table, and run through a hula hoop. We thought she was so smart, and it was extra amusing to see such a floppy dog doing tricks. We also had this big green yoga-style ball we used in the pool. Sometimes we’d throw it out to Fannie, and she would chase that ball forever. She would bite at it to try and catch it, but it was so big, each time she bit it she pushed it farther in front of her. Our neighbor also had a dog, Sadie. We would let them out at the same time, and they would meet our fence, say hello, then dog-sprint up and down the fence, keeping up with each other. They would do this for even half an hour, take a break for a few, then be right back at it. Our neighbor and us always laughed about it. Oh, and another summer memory; we had air mattresses in our pool, and sometimes they blew out into the yard. We were all hanging out in the grass, sitting on the air mattress, with Fannie. We figured out if one of us flopped down on one end, our dog would go flying at the other end. It was so cute, and every time we did it, Fannie came climbing back on for more. She was so funny. I used to lay out on beach towels or blankets and tan in my bikini in the back yard, and she would lay with me in the warm sun. Those tanning sessions are one of my favorite memories of her, and I didn’t even mind getting awkward tanlines from her shadow or getting her fur all over my bathing suit. She also had these rope toys that she would throw for herself. She’d whip her head and body around and toss a toy into the air, just amusing herself. And each night after dinner, she was go over to mom and scratch her chair until we let her up. She shed like crazy, so she only had one chair she was allowed on. And boy, was it cute to see her jump up there and get settled when really, she was way too long for that chair. My older brother always ran around with her. He’d get her so riled up, they’d be running around and she’d be barking and I’d think something was wrong because they were so loud. He also used to pick her up and spin her around and all of her skin would be pushed up to her face, and her eyes would be little holes in wrinkles of skin. It was hilarious. For holidays, we would wait until she fell asleep and we would paint her nails red. She hated it so we had to wait til she slept, but she was always the prettiest girl at our backyard barbecues. That’s probably why everyone always snuck her food… She was kind of spoiled, mostly because she was such a cool dog. The only human food we really let her sneak was popcorn. And apples! Anytime we sat down with a bowl of popcorn, she would drool on the couch until we had to throw her a few pieces. Same with apples… She would wait for us to finish, because she knew she would get the core. We ate as much of it as we could, then set it on the coffee table to watch her jump up and get it. Her jaw would make a snapping open noise because of all her drool and extra lip skin.

As she got older, her health declined so we couldn’t play as hard with her as we had in the past. She had hip displaysia, arthritis, an awful back, and a load of other health issues we couldn’t help. Despite her not being able to run around the backyard with her, she was still a great dog. If you came between her and food or sleep, she was a crotchety old lady, but she was surprisingly tolerant of us goofing with her. I have big parties at my house a lot, and I think all of my friends would agree that Fannie is one of the favorite guests present. She was too slow moving and low to the ground to scare anyone, and she dealt with us yelling and running around, and she was always excited to see a new person arrive. On Halloween, we dressed her up as a princess (she was short and long, so most dog clothes didn’t fit her right… I bought a little girls costume and cut the leotard bottom out so it just went around her waist), and let me tell you. She was the prettiest princess I’ve ever seen. Since all she did was sleep and eat, we sat on the floor with her to cuddle. She lost a lot of weight as she got older, and her wrinkles and extra skin became even more prominent. I always used to pull her neck skin out and pretend she was one of those lizards from Jurassic Park. And she just lay there and let me do it. One of the best things about Fannie, was her greeting. She couldn’t really run, but she would galumph to the door anytime someone came home. My mom was locked out one day and rang the doorbell for us to let her in. We didn’t hear the bell, but Fannie did. And Fannie could NOT deal with no one letting her mommy in. So she HOWLED. Now Bassett hounds are in fact hounds, but she never really barked that much, and she definitely didn’t howl. Once we learned this trick though, we loved to take turns going outside and ringing the doorbell just to hear our old dog yell for us. It was so pathetic and adorable. When she fell asleep, she would moan in her sleep. That’s how we knew she was finally finding some peace. This was really important to us. She always passed out in front of the furnace in the winter. She would lay so close that we’d be worried she would burn herself. In her old age she lost her sight and most of her hearing. She jumped at loud noises and you had to use a really high voice to call her or she couldn’t hear you. I remember one time, my little brother reached into a pickle jar and we decided to let Fannie lick the juice off of his hand… She couldn’t see though, and after a few licks, she tried to eat his whole hand. I just about died laughing.

A few years ago, my sister and her boyfriend broke up, and we got custody of the boyfriend’s dog. Her name is Beverly, and she is a very sweet beagle. Fannie is an old woman of a dog, and Bev has more energy than she knows what to do with. I don’t know if Fannie realized it, or just didn’t care, but they became quite a pair. Anytime we let them out the back door, Beverly would bound out, while Fannie took her time. But Bev always turned around and waited for Fannie to get out of the door. When they were out there, Fannie went wherever she was heading at a slow pace in a straight line. Beverly though, would zig zag everywhere and cut as close as possible in front of Fannie and go absolute crazy. But it didn’t even phase Fannie. We loved watching that. Even in the snow, Fannie would drag her ears through the drifts, and Beverly would run all over and jump over Fannie and play around the old dog. Now that Fannie is gone, I think Beverly will be a very lonely puppy. Even though they had their disagreements, we all know Fannie meant a lot to even Bev.

We have had a lot of scares about putting Fannie to sleep because of her various health issues. We called her the Dog with a Million Lives. Even joking around about it though, we knew the time was getting closer. When her medicine stopped working, there was nothing else we could do. Even with time to prepare, no one was ready to lose her. The whole family (minus my sister, she lives in NYC so she couldn’t be there) loaded up the van and took her to the vet to say goodbye. We sat on the floor with her and gave her as much love as possible. She had an amazing last weekend: cuddles from everyone, ham on Easter, photo shoots… We knew it was the right decision, but when she lay down after the injection… All of us were crying. She moaned, just like she did when she was content falling asleep. We knew she was gone, but the vet checked heart and told us. She gave both my mom and I a hug (neither of us could control our tears) and left us to say our final, final goodbye. We all pet her floppy ears and her super soft sides, and gave her a kiss on the forehead. I probably never would’ve stopped crying if we had stayed any longer.

I’m crying even now, just writing this blog. I know some of these stories and memories might sound silly or pointless, but she really was my childhood. That dog helped raise me, and I am so thankful to have had her. I know it’s gonna be a while before there’s another puppy in my life, but I don’t mind. Fannie Mae will always have my heart. I love you Fannie ❤

Forever,
Fiona

PS, I’m writing this in the car on the way to NYC to visit my sister, on my phone, so I can’t very well post many pictures. As soon as I get a chance though, I promise you’ll get to see my favorite photos of Fannie.